Half Way There...Maybe?

“Sure, Buddy,” he said ruffling Caleb’s hair.

I waited to see what Ashely would say. I knew she wouldn’t volunteer to come out to the water with us. Her appearance meant too much to her. Saltwater in her hair was a no-no. I wondered if she’d come up with a reason for Nate to stay and continue flirting game, but she didn’t say anything. She just sat there, sunglasses on, flipping through her magazine, acting as if we weren’t even there.

“Yay,” said Gracie, practically bouncing. Yes, yay, I thought inwardly doing the same. Nate was turning me into a silly eight-year old girl with a crush.

The four of us ate sandwiches quickly. I hadn’t expected the boys to come with us, but I had extra snacks and Gracie and Caleb each split the sandwiches I’d made them with their brother.

I offered food to both Ashely and Jax. Ashley said she wasn’t hungry and returned to her magazine. Jax’s response was a snore.

“Should we wake him up, or at least try and roll him over?” I asked glancing over at Jax. He’d been asleep out here for a while, and from the looks of it, soon he was going to be the same shade of red as his swim trunks.

Nate shrugged. “Probably, but I wouldn’t try it if I were you.”

“I wasn’t suggesting that I do it. That’s the job of a best friend, not one of the mortal enemy,” I said motioning to myself.

“You are not the ‘mortal enemy’,” said Nate.

I looked pointedly at him before responding, “Seriously? I don’t know what I ever did to the guy, but your friend hates me with a capital H.”

“It’s not you,” said Nate, tucking a board under his arm. The kids had already grabbed theirs and were waiting for us at the water’s edge, wearing matching looks of irritation. We were moving way too slowly for them.

“He’s not that pleasant to anyone right now. Things…things didn’t go well this weekend…with the ex,” said Nate. His words reminded me of another time spent on the beach, sitting in the sand, listening to Jax, confide in me about the baby.

“Oh,” I said as I picked up the last board from the wagon. I waited a few seconds, not sure if I should or even wanted to know anymore before asking, “What happened?”

“She’s having it, obviously. Bethany, his ex, she’s four months along, so it’s kind of too late for anything else, but she told him this weekend that she’s keeping it.”

“Well, if he knew she was having it, seems to me like he should expect her to keep it, right?” I asked.

“Yeah, I guess,” said Nate, “but now it’s real. Jax is just trying to wrap his head around it…that in a few months, he’s going to be a dad.”

I looked over my shoulder at the boy sleeping in the sun. I couldn’t imagine him being responsible for another human being. He should be trying to get a job, going to ob-gyn appointments with Bethany, finding his own place, buying baby furniture. All I’d ever seen him do was get drunk and party, the opposite of dad-like behavior. I knew I shouldn’t be so judgmental. I don’t know how I’d handle getting pregnant right now, before having finished college, but the idea of a deadbeat dad hit a little too close to home. My dad wasn’t as bad as Jax, but he wasn’t going to win father of the year awards either. Someone needed to tell him that he divorced my mother, not me.

“Hey,” said Nate, putting his hand on my shoulder, “look over there,” he pointed towards the kids. “Look at their faces, the way Gracie’s hands are on her hips. We’d better hurry up, or its going to be the two of us needing to hide under baseball caps.”

We spent the rest of the afternoon, the four of us, riding the waves and playing in the ocean, and just like the afternoon on the boat, it too was another one of my favorites.

“I’m tired,” whined Gracie. She was lying on top of her board floating.

“Yeah, me too,” chimed in Caleb, “and hungry.”

“I could go for snack,” said Nate. “Whacha say, Hannah? You hungry?”

“I don’t think there’s anything left in the cooler,” I answered, wishing I’d brought more food with us.

“I want ice cream,” said Gracie.

“Me too,” seconded Caleb.

“The yeses have it. Ice cream it is,” said Nate with a wink. “Let’s get the others and head back to the house, get the golf cart.”

I thought about Nate’s dad and how angry he was when Nate had taken the boat. “You are going to ask this time, right?”

Nate rolled his eyes at me. “Sure. Yeah. I’ll clear it with my favorite person in the whole world.”

“Nate,” I chided, “didn’t your dad say that if you didn’t toe the line, you were going to get sent home early, something you most definitely were not on board with?”

Nate frowned and I immediately felt bad for bringing up his other family. I knew Nate had problems with his dad and that he wasn’t a big fan of his stepmother, but Nate seemed to really and truly hate his soon-to-be stepfather.

“I’ll clear it with my dad,” he said solemnly, and just like that our fun time came to an end.

We headed up to the beach together, silently joining our friends and the kids. Nate was beside me the entire way. If I’d moved an inch or two more to the right, we’d be touching, but the closeness was an illusion. His mind was a million miles away, in a dark place, a place that I’d sent him to. Some great friend I am, I thought angrily to myself.

“Wakey, wakey,” chanted Gracie hopping on Jax’s lap. “It’s ice cream time,” she sang out.

“Ow,” moaned Jax, sitting up. “Didn’t you hear,” continued Gracie, “it’s ice cream time. Come on,” she said. She didn’t wait for Jax to respond but simply started pulling his hand, trying to get him out of the beach chair. “Pick up,” she commanded. “The faster everything is in the wagon, the sooner we can get some.”

Jax’s stomach growled. “My stomach says, ‘I’m in’.” He quickly got to his feet and started helping to wrap up towels, close the umbrella, pack up the cooler. Surprisingly, his skin wasn’t red, but the color of caramel. He must have woken up at some point and put on more sunscreen and rolled over.

“Ashely,” I asked, “are you coming?” I don’t know why I asked. From the look on Nate’s face, I wasn’t even sure ice cream was still on the agenda, and even if it was, I wasn’t all that keen of prolonged Ashley and Nate time.

“Uh, no,” she answered. “I think I’ll go home and start getting ready for tonight?”

“Tonight?” I asked, not sure to what she was referring. Did we have plans? I wondered to myself, wracking my brain.

Ashley’s face turned red and she glanced down at the toes, buried in the sand.

Oh, she has plans with someone else, I thought afraid to glance over my shoulder at Nate, afraid that I’d witness some secret message and I would have to accept that this thing between Nate and me might all be in my head.

“Yeah,” answered Jax, but he wasn’t talking to me. He was standing off to the side, shaking out the grass mat, staring at Nate. “There’s a party up the road, same kids from last time, lots of free beverages and Ashley said she wants tag along.”

            My body relaxed when I realized that Jax had invited Ashley out, not Nate.

            “You in?” Jax asked Nate. I kept my eyes trained on Nate and fought the urge to ball my hands into fists as I waited for his reply. I hoped it would be no. I hadn’t been invited, and the thought of Ashely hanging out, alone, with Nate made my blood boil. Because in all reality, once he realized she had feelings for him, whatever this was between us, this attraction, it would become a thing of the past.

No one will ever choose me over her, I thought. With her long blond hair, green eyes, and pale skin, Ashely was ethereal. Ashley is beautiful. I reached up and fingered my own hair. It was a wavy mess, made worse by hours spent in the ocean. And I’m not.

Besides, hanging out, drinking all night, that, just like the boat, was one day going to get Nate sent back home. But this crush is getting intense, I thought. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

Nate shrugged. “We’ll see,” he said, gripping the wagon’s handle and moving towards the boardwalk.

Chapter 24:

My phone lit up. I picked it up off the sofa where it was lying next to me. Gracie and Caleb, tired from a day spent in the water, bellies full of ice cream, had both passed out on the sofa. Caleb’s head in my lap, Gracie’s feet tucked into my side, made it so I couldn’t move. I’d been stuck the past hour, alternating between flipping channels and surfing my phone.

I watched the flashing three little dots on the screen. It’s probably just my mom, I thought, feeling a pang of guilt. I had called or texted her in a few days, and truth be told, I had called her all that much since I’d been here.

Nate’s name popped up on my screen. I’d been dosing off and on. That’s what happens when two little people curl up in your lap after an afternoon of sun and swim. Now, I felt wide awake.

Nate: Hannah, sorry about this afternoon.

Hannah: Sorry for what?

Nate: For acting all weird when you brought up my mom’s new guy, or as I more affectionately like to call him, The Loser.

Hannah: It’s okay. I get it. I know exactly what it’s like. Divorce sucks.

Nate: Totally.

I was about to write back, but the three little dots popped up on my screen again. I waited.

Nate: So, you wanna do this party thing? I’m not really feeling it tonight, but Jax is still kind of a mess. I think I’m gonna have to go. Keep him from getting into too much trouble.

I sat there for a minute and stared at the screen. Did I want to go? No, I most definitely did not want to go to a party. Things didn’t go so well for me last time. Did I want more time with Nate? Absolutely. Besides, I was pretty sure Ashely was going. If I didn’t go, what would happen?

Nate: You still there?

Hannah: Yeah, I’m here. Just thinking.

Nate: About what?

Hannah:  You know partying is a really bad idea for me, right? I’m not on vacation like the rest of you. I’m working.

Nate: Suit yourself. But I know Deb and my dad would be okay with it. They love you. Probably wish you were their kid…not me.

Hannah: You know that’s not true. Seriously, have you seen the way Gracie and Caleb look at you? Take it from an outsider, whenever you’re ready, this family is here to welcome you with open arms.

Nate: Okay, Cheeseball.  

Hannah: Sorry, that did not come out the way I envisioned it in my head, but you know what I mean.

Nate: So, where did we land on this party thing? Going? Not going?

            I knew if I didn’t go, I’d spend half the night worrying about what Ashley and Nate were up to. If I wasn’t going to be sleeping, better to do something other than stare up at my walls.

            Hannah: As long as you promise to help keep me somewhat sober, I’m in.

            Nate: Cool. You can do the same for me. Meet us outside on the dock after Gracie and Caleb pass out.

            I looked down at a sleeping Gracie and Caleb. I hope this party starts late, I thought to myself. The kids were napping now. There was no way they were going to bed early.

***

            “So,” asked Gracie, “where are you going tonight?” I was sitting on the edge of the bed, facing the dresser and the mirror above it. I was trying to figure out what to do with my hair. I wasn’t like Ashley. She spent a lot of her time watching YouTube videos on how to do make-up and hair. She always looked so put together. I wasn’t one of those girls. I was a mascara, lip gloss, and messy bun kind of girl.

            “Ugh,” I moaned, letting my hair fall back down to my shoulders. All I’d accomplished with all this brushing was making my hair get bigger and bigger, the opposite of what I was going for.

            “What?” asked Gracie, gathering my hair in her hand. She started playing with it, twisting it and braiding it. The tension in my back and shoulders subsided. Having my hair played with always seemed to calm me.

            “I’m supposed to go out tonight, and I can’t fix my hair. It’s a big poofy mess.”

            “Who are you going with? My brother?”

            “Um, yeah,” I answered, not sure exactly why I hesitated. It’s not like Gracie, or anyone else, I hoped, knew the internal war going on inside me. “Him,” I continued, “and some other people.”

            Gracie gathered up all my hair in her hands and twisted it on top of my head. “Not that girl that always comes over now…Ashley, right? I don’t like her,” said, Gracie scrunching up her face.

            I could see my reflection in the mirror. I watched as the corners of my mouth turned down. “Well, yeah, her, your brother, Jax, some other people I don’t know. Gracie,” I asked, “why don’t you like Ashely?”

            Gracie wrinkled her nose. “She too prissy, and she doesn’t like kids. She never wants to play with us, not like you,” she said. Gracie dropped my hair and leaned forward. She wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me a hug. It felt so nice. I couldn’t imagine why Nate wouldn’t want this.

            “Ashley’s an only child,” I said, pulling free of Gracie’s embrace.

            “So?” said Gracie

            “So,” I responded, “she doesn’t have a lot of practice with little kids. Maybe you should try and get her to do more with you guys, show her how great you are. Plus,” I said, tapping my makeup bag, “Ashley’s really good at painting nails. Maybe the next time she comes over, she can do yours.”

            “Really?” Gracie’s eyes lit up.

            “Really. Now, stop distracting me. I have to make myself look decent.”

            “Just wear it down,” she said, studying me in the mirror. “It’s really pretty.”

            I studied my reflection again. Maybe Gracie was right. I wasn’t Ashley. Spending a lot of time doing hair and makeup, that wasn’t me. I ran my fingers through my hair again, threw on some mascara and lip gloss and headed downstairs. I was ready.

Chapter 25:

                Like the party before, this one too was on the beach, a few houses down from the first one. However, this house was a lot newer than the first. This house was yellow, trimmed in white. Porches wrapped around both floors of the house. There were stairs on either side of the house, leading to a deck and a kidney shaped pool. Kids were sitting in the chairs, others were in the pool, splashing around, still others were off to the side, sitting at a picnic table, playing some sort of card game. 

I tugged on Nate’s arm as we went through the back gate. “Whose house is this?” I asked.

Nate shrugged. “Not sure. Jax?”

“Just some friends,” answered Jax. “Kids I met on the beach the other day. They’re here for a few weeks, renting this place.”

“Wow,” I said, marveling at the house before us. I hadn’t been inside and already I was

impressed. The kids, and their parents, definitely had more money than we did. Ever since my dad split, the most we can afford is a few nights in a hotel, nothing near as nice as this.

            Jax stuck out his pointer finger and waved in front of each of us. “Drinks?”

            Ashley said yes, something I was expecting. I shook my head no, keeping in mind what had happened the last time. The Rafferty’s were nice for letting me go out. I didn’t want to abuse their generosity by begging for a late start tomorrow.

            I expected Nate to decline too. We were supposed to keep each other somewhat sober. So, I was surprised when Nate nodded his head.

            After making his way to the keg, Jax returned quickly, three cups in hand. The three of them stood around with me through cup number one. By round three, I was feeling a little bored, and irritated. Nate had invited me to go with them and all but promised to stay sober with me, something that most definitely wasn’t happening.

            We were sitting on the ground, in a circle. A few other kids had decided to join us. Everyone in the circle was playing a game where they each pick a gesture. The players have to make their own gesture and then that of another player. If the person who’s it can’t remember to do his or her movement first, he or she has to drink. Ashely messed up, and when taking a sip from her cup, started laughing at Nate. Beer flew from her nose. She and Nate fell back to the ground laughing, her arm on his. Taking that as my cue to exit, I stood up and made my way to the stairs, leading up and then down to the beach. I was beginning to see a pattern here, parties weren’t my thing.

             “Hannah, wait up,” called out Nate. I stopped on the other side of the stairs, the ones leading down to the beach.

            “Trying to skip out early again?” he asked, a smile on his face.

            I shrugged. “I think these kinds of things are more fun when you know everybody…or if you’re drinking.”

            The smile slipped from Nate’s face. “You’re not having a good time?”

            “No, not really,” I answered, taking another step down, closer to the sand that called to me.

            “Let’s go,” he said. He gestured behind him. “Let me go get Jax and your friend, then we’ll go.”

            “No,” I said, “don’t do that. You guys are having fun. I’m just going to go and hang out on the beach for a little while, watch the waves. I like it at night. It’s peaceful.”

            I didn’t wait for him to respond. I turned on my heel and finished walking down the stairs and out onto the beach.

            I kicked off my flip flops and let my toes sink into the sand. It was dry and still warm from the day’s heat. Immediately my mood lightened. Boys? Best friends? Both of them were unpredictable, but the ocean? It was always beautiful. 

            Last time I’d found a spot on the sand and sat down, content to just watch the waves crash against the shore. This time, I had an itch to dip my toes into the water.

            With my shoes clasped in my hands, I made my way to the shore’s edge. “Ow,” I called out on the way down. I’d stepped on a something sharp. It pierced the sole of my foot and made me lose my balance. I fell, unceremoniously, on my butt.

            I heard a chuckle and looked up. Nate was a few feet away, biting on his fist, trying to cover a laugh. My cheeks burned.

            “Ahh,” I screamed before hurling first my right shoe and then my left one at him. Nate dogged the first one. The second one hit him in the gut.

            “Umpf,” he grunted bending over slightly. “I guess I don’t need to ask if you’re okay then?”

            “I’m fine,” I said, looking down at my foot. I’d stepped on a shell and now had a cut on my heel.

            He came over and sat down in the sand beside me. “Let me see,” he said, wrapping his hand around my ankle. Even though it was just my foot, heat snaked through my body, settling around my navel.

            “Ouch,” he said, gently brushing the pad of his thumb over the cut. I flinched, jerking away from his touch.

            “Sorry,” I mumbled.

            “It’s okay,” he said. “I probably would have done the same.

            “No, you wouldn’t have been so clumsy in the first place,” I said, and then under my breath added, “You wouldn’t have even come out here.”

            Nate ran his hands through the front of his hair, raising it off his forehead. One by one the strands fell back into place.

            “Yeah, maybe, I don’t know,” he answered. “At one point, these things used to be fun, partying, forgetting about everything for a while.”

            “And now?” I asked, studying his face.

            “Not so much. Maybe everything gets old after a while? With everything Jax is going through, it seems like we do this,” he said, pointing back in the direction of the party, “all the time, and honestly, I’m tired, you know?”

            I thought back to the other night and the morning that followed. I thought about how hard it had been to get up and take care of Gracie and Caleb. I thought about tonight, and how hard it was to hang out with Jax, Nate and Ashely, because being under the influence had turned them into different people. Hanging out with them had been a chore, talking to them, nearly impossible. They laughed at everything I said, funny or not.

            “Yeah, me too.”

            Nate looked at me. In the dark, I couldn’t make out the flecks of gold and green in his blue eyes I could in the sunlight. Still, somehow, they managed to be beautiful.

            “Let’s get out of here,” he said, the intensity of his gaze doing funny things to my insides.

            With him looking at me like that, sitting here only a few inches away, I would agree to almost anything. I’d never felt this way about a boy before, not this strongly. Nate was dangerous for me.

            “But what about Jax and Ashely?” I asked. I forced my lips to form the words although the rest of me had already taken off running down the shore, dragging Nate along with me.

            Nate shrugged. “Seemed like they were having fun. I’ll text Jax. Tell him to get Ashely home.”

            I wanted to say yes. It was on the tip of my tongue. Deflated, I sat back in the sand. “We can’t.”

            “Why not?” asked Nate. He grabbed my hand and started making circles on the smooth part of my skin. Yeah, Hannah, why not?

            “You know why not,” I answered, looking down at the sand. I picked up a stick and started playing with it in the sand. “Jax.” I said his name like a statement. “I don’t trust him, and although I am not super happy with Ashley right now, I can’t put her wellbeing in his hands.”

            Nate dropped my hand. Every inch of my body screamed at the lack of contact. He lay back in the sand, propping himself up on his elbows.

            “Yeah, so what’s the deal with the two of you anyway? I thought you were bffs, or something like that?” questioned Nate.

             I hadn’t been drinking. I had no liquid courage, but I didn’t lie to him. The darkness gave me the strength I needed to be honest.

            “You,” I said, looking up from the drawing I’d made in the sand.

            “Me?” he asked, looking incredulous.

            “Yeah,” I answered, holding his gaze. “We both kind of like you.”

            “Really?” he asked, his lips twisted in a mischievous grin. “You like me?” His eyes seemed to dance in the moonlight.  I knew he was toying with me, but my heart did a little jig. He’d used this information to mess with me, not to ask about Ashley.

            Nate moved closer, waiting for my response. I could feel his breath on my face. If I moved my head forward just a few inches, our lips would close that tiny distance. Now I wished I’d actually taken that beer when Jax offered it. My mind was on overdrive, thinking of all the ways closing that distance could suck. Will I be any good at it? Does he really want me to kiss him? If I do, what will happen when we wake up tomorrow? Will it mean anything to him? Will it mean anything to me? What if I do it wrong? What if ruin what we have?

            Nate tired of waiting, leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. The heat pulsating through my abdomen, whenever Nate was nearby, turned into an inferno of exploding fireworks. My whole body felt like a live wire. I wanted to move, to pull him closer, to feel more, but I was afraid, afraid that this was all a dream. I was afraid that if I moved too much, the dream bubble would burst and I’d wake up at the beach house, alone, trying unsuccessfully to remember this perfect moment.

            Nate pulled back. His blue eyes searched my face. Looking for what, I wasn’t sure. I’d never kissed anyone like this, not someone that I actually cared about.

My last kiss had been in eighth grade at a neighborhood party. There’d been a lot of turnover in the neighborhood that year. One of the mom’s decided it might be nice to throw a teen party, a way for all the new kids to get to know everyone before heading off to high school. They’d set up tables at the neighborhood clubhouse filled with pigs in a blanket, cookies, chips and punch, and then left us to our own devices.

Jill, one of the new girls, suggested we play spin the bottle. I’d ended up kissing Ryan, a shy boy with braces and acne. That had been my first and my last kiss. A lot of girls bemoaned the lack of a boyfriend and evenings spent in cars, or at parties, making out with boys, but I didn’t see what all the fuss was about. Kissing hadn’t been all that great of an experience. It had been a lot of slobber and licking, but now, after feeling Nate’s lips brush against my own, I got it. Kissing Nate was like eating a Snicker’s after Lent. Having one, unleashed my ravenous appetite. I needed more.

Nate was still looking at me, his eyes a question. I bit my lip and leaned forward, ready to answer him with a kiss of my own, but a loud ring stopped me.